


New Beginnings

by Yatterqueen



Series: #END #GoblinNation [1]
Category: DCU (Comics), Marvel (Comics)
Genre: Crack, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-12 13:43:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7107337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yatterqueen/pseuds/Yatterqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The fallout of the End of the Universe! Basically, the seven Evil Best Friends (Circe, Madame Masque, Monica Rappaccini, Cairo de Frey, Cleo Nefertiti, Joker (Christina Bell), and Titania) have fucked up. Badly. They need the heroes to bail them out and, well, they find Scorpion, She-Hulk, Hawkeye, Black Cat, and Donna Troy (no codename). It's the start of something new.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. We Can Do That.

A Secluded Seasonal Residence in Al-Mazahmiya,

One day, Cleo will stop inviting the squad to hang out at her place and force them all to settle for Circe’s weird and creepy island. Today, however, is not that day.

To be fair to the other women, it isn’t their fault Titania is the way that she is, but every time they speak, somehow the bruiser interprets it as an insult. The youngest one of the seven has a very low self-esteem it seems, and so wording playful taunts becomes a skill only diplomats have.

Regardless, Masque and Monica are trying to hold her off Cairo while Christina simply watches. Circe is in the kitchen brewing... _something_ and Cleo herself is focusing on making sure her antiques (stolen or otherwise) remain in one, resellable piece.

“Would you stop it, Mary!?” she yells, saving a vase. “Cairo didn’t mean it like that and you know it.”

“Well, she shouldn’t’ve _said_ it if she didn’t mean it. It’s the principle of the whole thing.”

Titania throws off Monica and Masque and grabs Cairo by the shirt, making the smaller woman yelp. Circe returns, however, and uses her magic to separate them.

“Please,” she says. “I’m trying to relax, Titania. Be nice, for me?”

The purple-clad bruiser crosses her arms but takes a seat. “Fine.”

Cairo sighs in relief. “Thank you, Circe.”

“You’re welcome, dear.”

While things have calmed down, Cleo notes, that doesn’t mean they’ll stay that way for long. Someone will set someone off and they’ll be right back to square one, with someone trying to attach someone’s panties to their colon.

Well, it’s a lot less stressful than supervillainy, anyway.

The quiet, like Cleo predicted, doesn’t last for long. “Do you hear that?”

Circe shakes her head, initially attempting to disagree, but the room grows cold.

A 10 foot tall _thing_ resembling a woman dressed in a dark blue cloak appears in the center of the room. It smiles not out of any reason to do so, but because it’s face is stuck that way. It’s eyes are hidden by the hood of the cloak but every woman feels it’s eyes on her.

They recognize what it resembles. They have familiarity with it: The Blue Statue. During a run at the superheroes, they utilized hundreds of these things, rounding up as many as they could find. To see the entity in the flesh, however, is something else entirely.

As a magic goddess, Circe attempts to speak with it, the two conversing in higher magical tongues, though only Circe’s voice could be heard.

A brief pause envelops the room as the silence turns to stillness. Then, without warning, the goddess’ black Baphomet sigil printed panties shoot from underneath her golden tights and envelop her upper body in a brutal wedgie.

Circe stumbles around trying to free her arms before collapsing to her knees, the clearest expression of discomfort on her face. She manages a weak, “It hasn’t come to talk.”

Madame Masque aims her always present gun at it. “I could’ve told you that.”

Before she has the opportunity to fire, the Statue disappears and rematerializes behind her. Masque freezes as she feels a tug on the waistband of her purple plaid underwear. Internally, she mutters, “this is going to suck.”

The Blue Statue rockets her underwear a solid three feet above her head, eliciting a brief noise of surprise from Masque, before settling the waistband over the eye holes of Whitney’s mask.

Head pulled back due to the waistband’s elasticity, the villain claws at the waistband in a desperate attempt to free herself, but she finds the magic keeps the underwear on her mask and stuck up her butt.

As Masque struggles and eventually gives up, arms resting at her side, the other women try to determine who’s next. There’s only five of them left, which means there’s a 20% chance the Statue is going to get them.

Monica preps her teleporter to get her out of there, but it needs time. Christina beside her, however, is morbidly curious -- what happens when you try to wedgie a wedgie deity?

The newest Joker sneaks behind the blue deity and lifts it’s cloak. There happens to be underwear, a solid nude blue, but when Christina tries to pull it, nothing happens. To her intended target, anyway, as she finds her own blueberry underwear flying up.

The head of the massive blue creature turns to face her, it’s permanent smile overwhelming Christina’s own and the Joker begins to show a different expression.

Cleo and Cairo are trying to help Monica get the teleporter set up and Titania’s just trying to escape, but all four women look up when they hear muffled screaming.

The friend they only keep around because no one has been able to get away from her for very long is wrapped in her underwear like a mummy, her glasses on the outside of her full body panty covering.

The Statue pushes her down so that Masque trips over her and knocks Circe over, each woman groaning and mumbling as they try to get away from each other. Then it looks up, smile still present, voicelessly asking “who’s next.”

“Well, who’s going to take one for the team?” Monica asks. “It isn’t me, I’m the only one that can work the teleporter.”

Titania snorts. “Oh, you’re doing a great job at it, seeing as _you’re still here_.”

“It takes time, Titania!”

“Too much!” she points at the Statue. “If you hadn’t --”

She stops talking because there’s a cold hand on her shoulder. For a moment, she considers it’s because she’s wearing a tank top, but if she had a sweater it wouldn’t change a thing.

The Blue Statue is behind her, one hand pushing her body down and her the other holding her white waistband steady at the small of her back. The strength of the statue pushes even the bruiser Titania to her knees, grinding her underwear up against her.

“Ow, okay! I was -- mmffff!”

The statue swiftly stuffs more of the purple panties up the bruiser’s behind and snaps the waistband over her chin, masking Titania with her own underwear. It lets Mary go and she falls onto her face, face down ass up, clutching her sore parts and grumbling muffled complaints.

Cairo notices Monica’s set the teleporter and pushes Cleo forward. “Thanks for volunteering, Cleo!”

“I didn’t…” A cold hand on the Asp’s shoulder stops her protest. “Oh boy…”

Monica shrugs and teleports Cairo and herself away, leaving Cleo and her polka dot panties with the Blue Statue. The last thing the duo sees is a cloud-esque display of incredibly stretched out underwear.

* * *

 

Carmilla Black’s beating her friends Kate Bishop and Donna Troy at Mario Kart, like always, until a flash of light interrupts their game and causes all three to fall of the course (it’s the Rainbow Road).

Carmilla’s mother, Monica, and a foe all three women remember well: Cairo De Frey, show up as the light subsides.

At that moment, Jennifer Walters walks in and Felicia Hardy comes in through the window; the former wants her sugar bowl back and the latter just wants Carmilla and Kate to stop yelling, she can hear them from her apartment.

Being who she is, Jen knows she’s now involved in this story, so she throws her hands up. “What’s up, Monica?”

“That’s my line!” Carmilla yells and then proceeds to ask her mother, “But, what’s up, Monica?”

“My friends and I… have encountered the Blue Statue,” she says. “Cairo and I managed to escape and we came for help.”

Felicia tries to climb out through the window and avoid having to give her help, but Carmilla yells at her.

“You owe me, Hardy! For that time with Selina, you know the one.”

“Fine,” Felicia sighs.

Jen sits down on Carmilla’s couch. “What do you mean you’ve encountered the Blue Statue, though? I thought we destroyed them all.”

“Except for the one I have,” Carmilla points out and Kate stares at her like she’s stupid.

“Why do you have one?”

“It’s a souvenir, _Katherine,_ people have those.”

“Watch it, _Thasanee_.”

Monica clears her throat as the two start pushing each other and Donna has to intervene. “The actual entity that inhabits the Blue Statue. The one that powers the idols, I suppose. I haven’t really had time to analyze it properly.”

“They have the other five,” Cairo says, wiping away a fake tear (she’s been using eye drops while Monica’s been talking). “Cleo selflessly sacrificed herself to save us. We have to go back.”

“Why should we help?” Kate asks. “Don’t you guys hate us?”

“We’ve moved past that. We just don’t like you,” Cairo replies. “Except for Felicia. I still hate Felicia.”

“Besides,” Monica interjects. “I’m certain once it’s done with the others, it’ll start going after other people.”

Donna nods. “And there’s no telling how _quiet_ it’ll keep it. Reputations could be ruined.”

“Exactly.” Monica continues on, “I have a few ideas on how to contain it, but for the moment, we just need to beat it into submission.”

Jen cracks her knuckles. “Well, we can do that.”


	2. Don't Drop That Statue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The assault against the statue begins. And ends. Both things happen here.

“This is ridiculous,” Masque groans, swinging slowly in the air, curling her toes. “Where do these things even come from?”

Next to her, Circe shrugs, arms at her sides. “Another dimension. I’m simply glad it’s over.”

“Taking a break,” Cleo interjects. “These things are never done until you stop them.”

“Let me believe, Cleopatra,” Circe says, pushing Joker with her shoulder, so she bumps into Titania, and she bumps into Cleo and sends her swinging, which sends the women into a brief fight, but they realize all that’s doing is making things worse and they stop.

The five women left for dead (or, well, left to get wedgied by an immortal, all-powerful statue entity), hang numbly by their underwear upon a magically created rack. Their arms are bound to their sides by the legholes of their panties, preventing them from really adjusting positions for more comfort, but this being a relatively common occurrence, they’re really more bothered by the fact Monica and Cairo are taking forever to show up.

They’ve been entertaining themselves with conversation ever since the Statue turned it’s attention to waiting for their friends’ return ten minutes ago.

The Blue Statue stares at a single spot. It does not move. It only waits.

“Do we have a plan? Beyond beat it into submission,” Kate asks. “I’ve been wedgie free for a couple of weeks and I’d like to keep it that way.”

“How possible do you think that is, truly?” Cairo responds. 

Kate just ignores her, because she’s right, “Monica?”

The Scientist Supreme shrugs, “I say what she says, only smarter.”

The younger Hawkeye gives up and turns to her friend Carmilla. “You owe me for this.”

Carmilla shakes her head. “You could’ve left.”

“I thought there was a  _ plan _ .”

Outside Cleo’s seasonal residence, the makeshift league of ladies consisting of Jennifer Walters, Carmilla Black, Kate Bishop, Monica Rappaccini, Cairo de Frey, Donna Troy, and the reluctant Felicia Hardy, get ready to assault the Blue Statue and rescue the five captive woman. They know it’s looking at them hiding in the bushes and they know it knows that they know.

It doesn’t make anything easier but it’s good to know things.

They also know that this thing is capable of overpowering a woman like Titania, a true contender for strongest woman on the planet (Jen would disagree), and that it can teleport. It’s huge and, if there previous encounters with it’s robot effigies are any indication, capable of feats of magic that supersedes even the likes of Circe.

No plan would survive this… thing. 

Admittedly, It’s a lot of gravity to give a situation that involves the personification of wedgies but, like, that’s a thing that’s happened so often, they kind of have to. 

Jen, in particular, thought she had outgrown her Sensational days, but they’ve come back in a unique way. To be fair, it’s not like she’s been killed for shock value because some writers can’t come up with genuine conflict. This? It’s just a minor non-canon reoccurrence. And it’s even  _ worse  _ in some rather green places.

Anyway, the time for internal narration and shade is over. The time for narrative action scenes is now.

Monica teleports the women to different areas of the house, hoping to catch the Blue Statue entity off guard with at least one of them. Hopefully, either Jen or Donna could get to it and unleash a flurry of offense.

However, the Statue turns its head to where Jen is teleported outside. It reaches it’s massive hand out to her, growing in size such that it can barely fit into Cleo’s home. The She-Hulk is able to catch it and deflect it, allowing Donna to fly in and unload a strong right to the back of the Statue’s head.

It has no effect at all. 

Everyone freezes in shock and the momentary lapse is enough for the Statue to shrink down back to it’s 10 foot height and teleport behind Jen. 

In an instant, it grips the sides of her blue Star Trek panties and pulls them up high above her head, lifting her some feet off the ground and lodging her underwear deep up inside her.

“Some help here, huh?” Jen says through a slightly squeaky voice, kicking her legs.

Kate fires arrows that connect -- and do nothing -- until the Statue finishes giving Jen a shoulder wedgie. The Statue turns its attention to her.

“I’m… fucked….” Kate whispers.

“Not yet!”  Donna flies behind the Statue and suplexes it. 

Jen manages to avoids the crash of the entity, but her wedgie seems to be magically stuck. Instead, she focuses on finding someway to alleviate the pressure before continuing to fight. Every step and move she makes only sends twinges of minor yet unignorable pain through her, twisting her face in different expressions of discomfort.

The Statue gets back to its feet, staring at Donna, still smiling. The Amazon’s heart sinks. The entity teleports in front of her, yanking her black gold star panties up high over her face. With one easy move, it hooks it onto the back of her head and pushes her over, leaving her down struggling to either get the underwear off her face or out of her front. Donna manages to make it onto her knees, but her vision is blurred by the fabric of her underwear despite her continued and frantic pulling at the waistband.

“We lost  _ two  _ of our heavy hitters,” Monica announces, as the other women scatter to plot some kind of new scheme. “I have an idea but Carmilla, we need yo--”

The Scientist Supreme is cut off as the Statue rushes her, yanking her hi-cut white underwear high above her head in a nuclear wedgie. Her eyes widen but the discomfort lags behind her as the entity wraps the panties around her mouth, gagging her. 

Every time Monica moves her head, her panties are pulled, wedging deeper inside her butt. She struggles to get them off, but ultimately joins Jen and Donna in the “too wedgied to continue” category.

And then there were four: Carmilla, Kate, Felicia, and Cairo.

They take refuge in different parts of Cleo’s home, communicating through radio pieces Monica gave out. 

“This officially turned into some kind of horror story!” Carmilla yells over the station. “Somebody got the deus ex machina ready? Telepathy, maybe?”

Cairo ignores her to yell at her rival, Black Cat. “Felicia! Go away! Your bad luck powers are dooming us!”

“Where am I going to go? We’re in Symkaria! Who’s idea was it to invite me anyway!?”

All three of the women yell: “Carmilla, you’re dead!”

“Later!” Carmilla screams back. “Felicia, go away!”

Cat obliges, firing a grappling hook at a nearby window and attempting to zip out. Emphasis on attempting to, as the Statue appears outside the window and Felicia bumps right into it on her way out. 

“Oof!” she grunts, falling back inside. Her descent stops and her toes curl, the Statue catches her by her yellow panties, holding her still in the air. Gravity causes her to bounce around as her panties invade her, kicking her legs wildly. 

Internally, Felicia beats herself up for not wearing her costume and settling for the skirt she was wearing when she came over to Carmilla’s. If the thing had caught her by that, the suit would've ripped and she'd be free, but the women hadn’t anticipated it being this much of a fight and so they all dressed relatively casually ( _Jen_ was still in her lawyer clothes).

“So, I’m not going anywhere,” Felicia says, as she’s added to the rack with the other five villains. “How long have you guys been here?”

“Mm, maybe twenty minutes, an hour?” Cleo answers. “It’s hard to tell -- it’s not like any of us have watches. Or the arm mobility to look at a watch, even if we did.”

“Sheesh, I was  _ just  _ trying to make conversation.”

“Please don’t,” Circe interjects from across the rack. “This is uncomfortable enough without your voice, Cat.”

While Felicia fumes at the insult, the other three wonder who’s next while trying to figure out what Carmilla has that they need.

“Your stinger, maybe?” Kate suggests, notching an arrow. “Maybe you could put it down with your Hulk toxin? The one you always brag about?”

“I’m not touching that thing unless we’re certain,” Carmilla replies, looking back out to see the Statue waiting. “Cover me while I go for my mom and ask her. Hey, wait a sec… Cairo?”

The model-turned-terrorist has been unusually quiet, especially since Felicia just got a super wedgie. You’d expect her to be cheering but… nothing.

“Cairo?” Carmilla and then Kate demand. The two girls alternate for a while until deciding that she ditched them.

“Sonuva’... Kate, it’s on you.”

“So much for being wedgie free,” the archer sighs, getting ready to fire. Before she unleashes her arrow, however, she hears a thud behind her.

Turning her head slowly, expecting the Statue and half-right at doing so, Kate’s eyes widen at the sight before her. 

It wasn't that Cairo left them but that the Statue had already gotten her, wrapping her upper body and lower face in her black lace panties.

The leader of Scorpio struggles on the ground, yelling muffled curses and insults, but doing nothing but increasing her wedgie. Eventually, she gives up and lays there indignant and upset.    

Kate manages, “Carm, you better hurry…” as the Statue advances upon her.

Not waiting for an explanation, Carmilla dashes towards her mother. “On it,”

When she reaches her, she asks whether she should use her stinger. Pained to do so, Monica shakes her head no and points to the bag at Carmilla’s side. 

The idol statue, of course!

“What do I do with it? Hit it?”

To her surprise, Monica actually nods. That had been a bullshit response, words for words sake, but shit, got it in one. Okay, now to actually… why is Monica looking at her like that?

The Statue appears behind her and Carmilla’s vision goes blue and monkey print as Kate’s panties are pulled over her face and hooked under her nose. The entity returns the favor, however, lifting her Stormtrooper panties out of her jeans and pulling them over Kate’s face.

“This is just cruel and unusual,” Kate mumbles, trying to find some way to move without increasing her own wedgie, not to concerned with Carmilla’s.

The two move and only make it worse on both of their behinds.

“Would you quit it? You’re --ow-- you’re pulling them!”

“You stop!”

The idol statue remains in Carmilla’s bag. 

The Statue has defeated all the women present, leaving none. Or so it seems. Being the hero that she is, however, Jen manages to fight through all the discomfort, having seen Monica’s interaction with her niece.

She rushes before the Statue can react, pulling the idol out of the bag and blasting the entity over the head with it.

The Statue’s smile disappears as it’s sucked into the smaller replica of itself. It’s disappearance undoes all the wedgies it gave and every woman is back on her feet, feeling phantom pain, but otherwise fine.

“Well… that happened,” Jen mumbles to herself and then says to her niece, “Carm, catch.”

“Got it.” The Scorpion puts the statue in her bag and takes a deep breath. “It’s over.”

While the immediate threat is indeed dealt with, the five heroes stand face to face with the seven supervillains. The tension is thick between them.

“We’re going,” Carmilla says, attempting to defuse the situation, especially getting in between Titania and her aunt. “We all  _ just  _ got done having a boatload of fabric jammed up our asses, and fighting amongst each other for no reason is just petty.”

“She’s right,” Monica says. “We’ll settle the score some other day. I’ll teleport them home.”

The sides break up before any blows are thrown, welcome to wait until necessary.

Well, except for Titania, who chucks a couch at Jen. The She-Hulk isn’t expecting it and so while she does catch it unharmed, she stumbles back and knocks over Carmilla, who lands right on her bag, smashing the statue into pieces.

A vision of the Blue Statue appears before it’s energy shoots across the world (or, at least, it seems so).

“Well… that happened,” Jen echoes. “I guess we’ll be seeing a lot more of each other because that can’t be good.”

“Why should we help?” Cleo asks. “That seems like a superhero problem.”

Jen glares down at her. “ _ You _ all caused this. You all will help  _ fix it. _ ”

“Fine,” Cleo nods, trying not to betray her fear, “We’ll help.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meant to orient for a series, involving hero team-ups, villain team-ups, and even hero-villain team-ups. We'll see if I get one done by Wednesday. I'm on vacay, so maybe!

**Author's Note:**

> A part 2 coming soon, hopefully. I know it's been a while, so I hope I'm not forgotten. I've found other hobbies, though, and I'm kind of having fun with those two.


End file.
